Friday, 31 December 2010

Thursday, 30 December 2010

2010 in stuff I did.

January: I am employable. After 15 months of wondering what to do with myself, I finally found myself to be capable of administration. Excellent discovery. I am not smoking.

February: I am content. I draw, paint, cook, eat drink and am merry. I like life.

March: I am experimenting. I lost my hair, I painted my nails, Islands, Dragons, Sunshine. I drew.

April: I am tired. I can't do everything. I can't work full time, part time and relief. I gave up on youth club work.

May: I am restless. I need to move. I applied for another job. We went to Devon, I thought about giving up.

June: I am moving. I got the job, friends moved away, I turned another year older, and we got engaged.

July: I am travelling, Oxford, Home, Home, I saw my family, I found my wedding dress, but I wont know it yet.

August: I am exhausted. We moved house, I became ill. I am stress. I need sleep. I am cross.

September: I am involved. We're planning a wedding. I'm working late. Work is less important, but still we take a trip to forget. I take on a new challenge.

October: I am celebrating. I am the hen. I see old friends and new and am recharged, defiant. This month lasts forever. I am upbeat.

November. I changed my mind. I am in blue. I am married. I am on honeymoon, I changed my mind. I am back to reality. I am contemplative. I missed a boat. I changed my mind.

December. I am waiting. I am impatient. I am home. I am away. I am wondering where I will go next. I am wondering where I am supposed to be.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

someone from jersey shore, advice from.

"If you want to bust out a deep-V that's safety-cone orange because you think that's your colour, then wear the hell out of that fruity shirt so everybody in the club knows that nobody owns it like you do."

Read more:

Monday, 11 October 2010


overthinking it have come up with this amusing flowchart...

Monday, 4 October 2010

25 things you'll always hear in a ladies mag


includes such gems as:

7. There are four ways to dress: Romantic florals, Urban Chic, Classic with an Edgy Twist, and wearing your boyfriends t-shirt is sexy.

13. Buy some fucking boots. Wear them with all the sundresses we encouraged you to buy and a ‘chunky’ sweater and BAM! Summer to fall wardrobe! Jazz hands, statement piece!

17. Here’s another terrible STD you can die from. There aren’t any symptoms and absolutely no cure. Don’t worry, though. Only 1 in 4 men have it.

18. This is a somber photograph followed by a girl’s story about how a terrible, awful thing happened to her. Here is another story about a congress woman that made it in a man’s world! Here is a 28-year-old with a fashion business! Women don’t get paid as much, and third-world women have it harder. Because these are our serious pages! Followed by raunchy sex tales!

23. Horoscope shows you will be assertive at work and get some tail.

Sunday, 3 October 2010


Friday, 10 September 2010

a joke ah found

I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.

"What are you doing?"

"Something I learnt from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."

Sunday, 29 August 2010

before i forget

2 veggie oxo cubes
a bag of carrot baton things
a load of water
handfuls of fresh basil and coriander
spoon of aubergine pesto
spoon of garlic paste
bit of soy sauce
some basil from a choob.

... makes a nomworthy soup.

i just thought i'd post this before it goes into the land of things i make that i can't remember how...

Monday, 23 August 2010

facebook, uni, old people.

when i started at uni, as far ago as 2004, i looked online for forums of new students. i 'met' a good few people on there, some i'm still in touch with, others i know as people who also take up space on forums and non-facebook interspace.

it wasn't until 2006 i hit the book of face, it was, to me, 'dull as a box of hair' in those days. in many many ways, it still is. no matter how lively it gets, it doesn't beat a good forum thread... also its just so.. serious! i miss in a lot of ways the relative anonymity of forums and blogs. this is the first point at which i feel like i'm growing old...

from the age of about 12/13, i've had a mobile phone. since then, i've always wondered how people met up with each other or arranged anything before such devices existed. i was interested in the common sense approaches of those only a little older than me. 'we just rang each other at home and said we'd be at a place at a time and then we just were there and so was the other person...' pah! what if you were running late? the other person waited...


i went to uni before facebook existed. (for me)

there will be people out there, with the same curiosity i had about pre-mobile phone yoofs, about me, a pre social networking student.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Telephone/Office Version

Hello hello girlfriend, no no I can't do a thing
Cuz I am stuck up in this f***ing office building
Wha-Wha-Wha-What did you say?
What guy you gonna bring?
Oh sh*t, I gotta go right now
My boss is coming
My boss is coming
My boss is coming
Sorry gotta go,
My f***ing boss is coming
Just a week
vacation and I know where I would be
Party in New Delhi
With our outsourced I.T.
When I drink my second coffee,
Get my energy
It will go right through me
Now I'm kinda gassy.
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna work any more
Passive aggressive micro managing manwhore
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna troubleshoot for
The customers who bought online from our web store.
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...
Stop telephonin' me!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...
I'm busy!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...
Stop telephonin' me!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...
Can call all you want,
but I'll put you on hold
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!
Out on break,
With some birthday cake,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!
All my boss' post-it notes
won't make me type no faster
check my email faster
scan these files no faster
I should of worked from home in bed
Cause Michael Scott's my master
Harrassin like a bastard
F*ck it - I'm gettin plastered
Not that I don't like my job,
Just rather party.
And I am sick and tired
of all this team building
Sometimes I feel like
I'm workin at Dunder Mifflin,
Today I'm not doin no work
'Cause I'll be dancin'.
'Cause I'll be dancin'.
and this ain't Scranton.
Today I'm not doin' no work
'Cause I'll be dancin.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Handle bars, and then I let go, let go for anyone
Take me in, and throw out my heart and get a new one

Next thing we're touching
You look at me it's like you hit me with lightning

Oh, everybody's starry-eyed
And everybody goes
Oh, everybody's starry-eyed

So we burst into colours, colours and carousels,
Fall head first like paper planes in playground games

Next thing we're touching
You look at me it's like you hit me with lightning

first-world problems

now trying to find somewhere to honeymoon with my honey in a country that is warm in november and has a fairly decent human rights record, not too far away from the uk. any suggestions??

Sunday, 8 August 2010

no matter

how good your wardrobe is, you still need a bit of self esteem to get you out the house.

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

how do you know if you're a grown up? part 1

i've been feeling pretty grown up lately.

i've got a job. i've been working full time for about a year now, as well as part time but that's been going on forever. i have about the same amount of stuff, but it is better stuff. superior stuff. i go to bed at a reasonable hour and wake up at a totally unreasonable hour. i have a morning routine and mostly a packed lunch.

when i get home from work i make sure i look after my pigs and try and do some cleaning and general organising of life before i play flash mpgs and read comics and feminist blogs.

then i get on with some wedding planning, and feel bad about the stuff i should be doing and not contacting the people i miss or doing the work i should do, and then head to bed at a reasonable hour. i get more done after i get back from work than i used to do in a full 24 hour cycle as an underemployed person.

there are many many things at the moment and forever that are crazy uncertain and prone to massive and scary change. but there are many things that are *good* right now.

however, i admit: sometimes i envy the stuff other people have. lately it has occurred to me to buy such things. so i did.

earlier in the year i used my newfound cash to upgrade my bedroom from floral dull blue from the 70s to sleek black white and red. the makeover is mostly from wilkos and we can take it wherever we go next. but it was an interesting process of not just putting up with something, but using some money to make the situation better.

after this project, i started on my wardrobe, which was tattered and primanian, and solved this problem with substantial investment in H&M.

I then started on my face: i got some foundation from maybelleine or whatever it calls itself, it is like a mousse. it cost about £6, which is at least 3 times more than i've ever spent on a foundation. surprisingly, i found it to be a worthwhile investment and wondered if such a purchase automatically put me forward to some new level of maturity, the 'luxury products on your face' stage of life. i also now have got some moisturiser and for the first time (shockingly) some make up remover.

then i went for the feet: i got some cheap flats from dorothy perkins, because a) now that i have a job i can go for £12 on shoes instead of £4, and b) i have learned my lesson the hard way about £4 flats from primani.

then i've sat and wondered if i have just 'consumed' a new era of lifestyle. perhaps this is just the beginning. i can't remember if i feel better than when i started, but i reckon i at least *look* like i feel better...

Saturday, 12 June 2010

In which dress shopping is anything but joyful.

I tried shopping for a dress today. I tried it four ways, which i will now review:

Online:Soon overwhelmed, no idea how any of this will look and feel on, too much choice but not enough information. I'm one of those people that walks around shops feeling the clothes, testing cloth for thickness, quality, strech etc. so online shopping for me exists by pre defined parameters (ie, I buy stuff online that I've seen and tried on in person)On my own:
I checked Debenhams, dorothy perkins. I was bored by the selection. I didn't try anything on. I tried 3 dresses on in Monsoon. on reflection, these were not too bad. I can't remember properly though, my head is too full of dresses.With a friend:
Clearly the most fun way to do it, obviously choice of friend is important: one who knows my shopping habits well and does not give false compliments, and likes looking at dresses. with her i tried on more dresses, all of them looked pretty cool, and we favoured one in bright orange, which looked well awesome, just not quite the right fit. we re-checked Debenhams, looked in Oasis, and even M&S though we walked straight back out again. On leaving she suggested i try a bridal shop, which was having a sale. With a shop assistant:
By far the most frustrating experience. What size do you wear? she asks, 'fourteen' I say. Ok. What do you like? she asks... I say short in length, bright colours, no V-necks. She eyes my fair colouring, apple shape and chest, and says: I'll see what I can find!

Upon return she brings a wrap around frilly dress in light pink, size 12. it looks like 5os nightwear. It's not really what I had in mind. in fact, it's the opposite of what I had in mind. still, what do I know? I try it on. I look like a fairy. Anyone that knows me will know that my aim in life is not to look like a fairy. 'It's not really what i'm after.' I tell her. I wish I was more assertive. 'I think it looks lovely she said, so feminine!' (erk) I don't want to look 'feminine'. 'Feminine' always sounds like it should be followed by the words 'Hygeine' and 'Product'. The words I want to describe my look include 'fuckin awesome' 'bright' 'funky' and 'bangin' I do NOT want to look 'feminine'. Same goes for 'elegant' 'busty' 'thinner' 'sophisticated' 'mature' 'sweet' 'pretty' and 'shapely'.

I left feeling like poop. This girl spent a good half an hour trying to squeeze me into various hideous contraptions in mauve, pink and other shades for people who are not me.

Listening to other women in the shop, I despaired. there was a lady who was going to be mother-of the-bride in a few months. She looked nearly 60, and was tall and slim, a headmistress of a secondary school, she told the staff. They told her she looked thin, and young, and tiny. Her husband hated the outfit, said she didn't look 'like herself'. The shop staff did their best to distract him and shut him up. 'My' assistant was still trying hard to find something to further ruin my self esteem.

I thought about how these formal clothes go about making an image. Behind the curtain I could hear an intelligent and successful woman, trying to look tiny. As I waited I looked at what I had on, brightly coloured beads, a fluffy short haircut, green and orange nails, leggings, 80s fluorescent sandals in multicolor, a neon purple watch and leopard print bag, with black leggings and a purple bikini top (worry not, I had shorts and t shirts over this getup, it's just this was what i wore on my dress changing marathon.) when i think about what I look like, these things are 'what I like', symbols of things i value, bright colours, garish prints and funky patterns, things that are loud and fun. why was this woman bringing me floral pastel v necks?

and then it hit me: Gok and his ilk. just as any woman who has ever studied a women's magazine in the summer knows, there are certain 'rules' in clothing that simply must be abided.

Some of these rules I find useful. The idea that as a top heavy lady, I should enlist better support than a teeny triangles halterneck bikini is sound. It is no fun running around on the beach in something that itsy bitsy.

Anyway, here is the advice for my shape, as lifted from the 'Debenhams' website:

Apple-shaped - Apple-shaped bodies are larger on top and smaller below. People with this shape often have a short neck and it is important to make the neck look longer by wearing tops with a v-neckline. Avoid anything figure hugging as this will only draw attention to your waist. Wide legged trousers or flared skirts look great on Apple Shaped bodies.

Now. I follow exactly none of these suggestions. I have utterly fantastic legs. I want them to be free!! You will mostly find me in tights or leggings, a 'figure hugging' miniskirt and a t shirt. with short sleeves. These are also contentious according to the following drivel:

Arms and legs – Arm and legs can be troublesome areas when buying clothes. Take a long hard look at your upper arms. If your upper arms are flabby then wear three-quarter or half-length sleeve shirts and tops this will stop you feeling self-conscious. Long lean legs will suit any style of skirt but if you are unsure what skirt will suit just remember that a skirt should end just above the slimmest part of your leg.

The grammar here is actually worse than mine. Damn those troublesome arms and legs! If only I didn't have to have these stupid troublesome limbs! I actually find my arms and legs to be incredibly useful for buying clothes too. My legs help me to get into the shops, and I use my arms to pick up clothes and try them on. Most clothes accommodate limbs by having strategically placed holes or even tubes to put the limbs into. But once i have taken a long hard look at my flabby upper arms I should really be more self concious and cover up these abominations.

So once I have hidden my arms, and my legs (noooooooooo) the next step is to distract from my non existent neck (ey??) with a V neck, and avoid ANYTHING figure hugging, because seriously, who would want to see a waist like mine? What would that outfit look like exactly? I can only imagine it would have to be a baggy full length, flared out dress with a V-neck. Basically, a sack, with a V-shaped hole in it.

Shop assistant girl has evidently read and memorised such shite. She forgets that perhaps it is not the be all and end all of womens existance to look 'tiny' 'thin' and 'sophisticated'. Why is this the goal? I want to look the size I am, because I am this size and I like it. If I did not, I could resort to surgary, 'lifestyle change' or counselling. But, uh, no. I present the fashion industry with my shape and all I ask in return is that they help me to cover it. I want to look fun, friendly, bright, confident, intelligent. I want to look like I am glowing with the happiness of life, that I am thankful for what I have and comfortable with who I am.

If I were the headmistress of a school, I would like to look formidable, intelligent, amazing, sharp, confident, accomplished. Fabulous. In fact, that's how I want to look now.

As I was being pulled and squeezed into 10s and 12s to the point of being unable to breathe (breathing space seemed to be an optional extra rather than integral to the design of many of the dresses) I wished I was stronger and could tell the whole shop present that I think they have got it wrong and there is much more to style and dresses than looking as small and fragile as possible and that perhaps we had it all wrong but that fight is for another day.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010


I would be lying if I said I was a different person now. I am the same person. I would do it all again. - Emily Gould

Tuesday, 23 March 2010


dreamt that facebook was a huge white hall with a blue floor, and it had people standing around sharing various, unconnected personal monologues. some told jokes and others showed us things they had found. there was never enough time for each one. in the corners and round the sides there were groups under happy banners but hate inside, hidden nasties and all the time, curiouser and curiouser!!

Saturday, 27 February 2010

beeb news: 27th Feb

earthquake, ruins, death, destruction. tsunami, fear, waiting, moving. tories, brigton, throwing, change. troops, waiting, fighting, dying. rain, continues, killing, woman. handshake, lacking, mancode, challenged.

Friday, 8 January 2010

shoes (1st of many)

these arrived today. they are awesome.

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

thanks, customs

xmas presents still not here, apologies given to friends/family who are lacking in presents...

£13.60 customs charge for holding up my parcel for 2 weeks, because the obvious reason someone would buy 7 different sized/styled/gendered tshirts to arrive BEFORE xmas is that they are selling t shirts for profitzzzz. ye.

i paid extra for quick delivery, A MONTH AGO.