the mid 20s crisis

as i shim from my 'early' 20s to 'mid' i have seen a fair few people thinking out loud about that mid 20s crisis. now's my turn.

having been lucky enough to have never thought i was in a crisis when i might have been (does that even make sense?) i almost wonder if it would be a good thing, but gone are the days, if there ever were those days, where i crave indecicivness, confusion and emo soul searching.

for me, the mid 20s crisis has always been 'am i a worthwhile human being and a good use of resources' (stupid business studies, 'am i a viable product'...ARGH)

i am happier now, i know what i want and even though i sometimes feel like i'm not getting anywhere fast, at least i know what i want and am heading in one of the right directions.

i'm more confident now. i look back on photos of myself at times when i deemed myself so worthless i should never have ventured out of my room, and instead of thinking 'well, i was pretty ugly and stupid looking then, maybe i should have stayed in.' i find myself wanting to go back in time and shake that person with no self esteem. tell her she is reasonable looking and certainly not offensive unless of course you listen to her which nobody does anyway because we are all stupid people with a lot to learn.

i am not more well-off now LOL

i am further from home now

i am busier now

i have purpose now?

this is long. monday morning.

natural rejection

many years ago (2006 i think??!) i got a tinted moisturiser in boots from their cheapo brand 'natural collection'

it was less than 2 quid, which was brilliant, and it has lasted til, uh, about now lol.

i feel like a bit of a stig keeping make up for that long but there you go...

anyway, i replaced it this weekend, and the shade is called 'natural' - it's about the colour in the pic.

now not to be so nitpicky over wordage, but does this mean that colours other than this are less/not natural?

i'm now pissed off i didn't see it before supporting the cause with my £1.95. bad boots!

head meets desk

what the hell kind of stupid place do i live in anyway?

besides the impending closure of fairbridge, the most awesomely successful youth project i have ever seen, what the goddam bum ass kind of rubbish is this?

pink lights being used to embarrass teenagers out of places that they hang around that they shouldn't hang around in. what the ey? here's the linketh: BEEB NOOZ

apparently these pink lights highlight imperfections in the skin, and give kids a pinkish tint, which they are hoping boys will find effeminate and therefore bad.

1. er, no.

2. just no

3. 'pink = girly = maybe homosexual = bad' and to be avoided does not equal 'helpful message' trying to keep lads away from things that are pink is just stupid and does nothing to challenge the idea that looking at all gay or feminine (or indeed, refusing to conform to a set of rules for acceptable masculinity) is something that is somehow less than.

4. why would local councils want to highlight medical/physical problems that so many people have and are probably already ashamed enough of in order to get them to conform? i dont even know where to start but i think most people at some point in their day are presented with a barrage of images of perfect skin, constantly reminding them that 'this is the goal, you are far from it' -- and then to have your local council install lights in order to highlight spots? srsly. i'd be all for going down to the local council and bodysnarking their decision makers, if i didn't think it was goddam rude and inappropriate, dehumanising and ultimately crap for everyone who has to put up with the huge negative self image problems perpetuated in this country. rraagh!!!

5. what happened to other approaches, such as defining reasonable spaces for young people to meet up, which are accessible, available and safe? or perhaps *talking* to the groups of young uns meeting up with their friends?

here's a couple of just as ranty posts: here and here

dreams again

i had a wickedcool matrix style dream last night, there was a poltergeist beating up puff and i was trying to find it, and then it tripped snowmantle up and i punched it in the face. then i went jumping around like i was on the moon. i often have superduper powers in my dreams, or i am really really weak (think punching someone and they hardly flinch and laugh at you, or running away but going super slow and not being able to run faster, or feeling like ur legs are so heavy you can't move) last night i had superduper powers, and i could jump really high and fight things like in crouching tiger! i realise i sound like a kid writing this, and that there is nothing more boring than reading about other peoples dreams. sorry, i felt i had to share.

dreams dreams!

so i am in town, or so i think, it could be many towns, it's grassy in an artificial way, like posh bits of london, the country mall is there, and so is asda, it could also be cambridge, if it wanted to be. anyway, fact is, i've parked the van somewehere illegal, just cuz i had to quickly and i can't remember what i was doing, but i've lost the van. the van is purple, wicked looking thing, in fact, if my phone was a van, it would look like this van.

cleverly, i've left my hair straigteners on in the van, so i'm thinking the vans been towed, stolen or i've just burnt it down with my a conbination of vainity and forgetfullness. neither of which are attractive qualities of mine.

now i am running around looking for the van, and as is the way when i am on the verge of being waking up, i begin to apply logic to my dreams, i try to cheat. i know it's a dream, our car is silver, and i reason that my mind has just made this cool van out of my phone! wicked! i summon it back again, but i'm not that bothered, its not real. so i run, i run for miles, i cover ground quickly like i have those cool robotic trousers that TXs little man had in the video he made and i watched yesterday.

d sends me a googledoc about what i am to tell the police about the loss of the van. logic starts to seep in and i realise i haven't paid for web browsing on my phone and it ought not to be enabled, but i go with it, stranger things have happend.

i get some ice cream, but i cant eat it, cuz now i am awake, and slightly drunk still. it's 2.30 am, i can't run so fast, the car is silver and web browsing is not enabled on my phone.

march

march has been a crap month for me, in so many ways, but i have had a few cool nights out, numerous exotic and stylish illnesses and many moments of weepyness and silly womanness. april will be a better month. true. i've never been one for thinking a whole month is cursed etc but plenny has gone wrong this month, i have found myself calmly counting my blessings numerous times.

on the plus side, i am thinner, and this is great because... er.. well it isn't at all actually, i've been really mopey. must stop worrying about such stupid shit as weight. life is too important.

see: the fantasy of being thin
and this little bit of pippy longstockings genius

now is time to post some of the things that made me smile lately... *thinks*