how do you know if you're a grown up? part 1

i've been feeling pretty grown up lately.

i've got a job. i've been working full time for about a year now, as well as part time but that's been going on forever. i have about the same amount of stuff, but it is better stuff. superior stuff. i go to bed at a reasonable hour and wake up at a totally unreasonable hour. i have a morning routine and mostly a packed lunch.

when i get home from work i make sure i look after my pigs and try and do some cleaning and general organising of life before i play flash mpgs and read comics and feminist blogs.

then i get on with some wedding planning, and feel bad about the stuff i should be doing and not contacting the people i miss or doing the work i should do, and then head to bed at a reasonable hour. i get more done after i get back from work than i used to do in a full 24 hour cycle as an underemployed person.

there are many many things at the moment and forever that are crazy uncertain and prone to massive and scary change. but there are many things that are *good* right now.

however, i admit: sometimes i envy the stuff other people have. lately it has occurred to me to buy such things. so i did.

earlier in the year i used my newfound cash to upgrade my bedroom from floral dull blue from the 70s to sleek black white and red. the makeover is mostly from wilkos and we can take it wherever we go next. but it was an interesting process of not just putting up with something, but using some money to make the situation better.

after this project, i started on my wardrobe, which was tattered and primanian, and solved this problem with substantial investment in H&M.

I then started on my face: i got some foundation from maybelleine or whatever it calls itself, it is like a mousse. it cost about £6, which is at least 3 times more than i've ever spent on a foundation. surprisingly, i found it to be a worthwhile investment and wondered if such a purchase automatically put me forward to some new level of maturity, the 'luxury products on your face' stage of life. i also now have got some moisturiser and for the first time (shockingly) some make up remover.

then i went for the feet: i got some cheap flats from dorothy perkins, because a) now that i have a job i can go for £12 on shoes instead of £4, and b) i have learned my lesson the hard way about £4 flats from primani.

then i've sat and wondered if i have just 'consumed' a new era of lifestyle. perhaps this is just the beginning. i can't remember if i feel better than when i started, but i reckon i at least *look* like i feel better...

In which dress shopping is anything but joyful.

I tried shopping for a dress today. I tried it four ways, which i will now review:

Online:Soon overwhelmed, no idea how any of this will look and feel on, too much choice but not enough information. I'm one of those people that walks around shops feeling the clothes, testing cloth for thickness, quality, strech etc. so online shopping for me exists by pre defined parameters (ie, I buy stuff online that I've seen and tried on in person)On my own:
I checked Debenhams, dorothy perkins. I was bored by the selection. I didn't try anything on. I tried 3 dresses on in Monsoon. on reflection, these were not too bad. I can't remember properly though, my head is too full of dresses.With a friend:
Clearly the most fun way to do it, obviously choice of friend is important: one who knows my shopping habits well and does not give false compliments, and likes looking at dresses. with her i tried on more dresses, all of them looked pretty cool, and we favoured one in bright orange, which looked well awesome, just not quite the right fit. we re-checked Debenhams, looked in Oasis, and even M&S though we walked straight back out again. On leaving she suggested i try a bridal shop, which was having a sale. With a shop assistant:
By far the most frustrating experience. What size do you wear? she asks, 'fourteen' I say. Ok. What do you like? she asks... I say short in length, bright colours, no V-necks. She eyes my fair colouring, apple shape and chest, and says: I'll see what I can find!

Upon return she brings a wrap around frilly dress in light pink, size 12. it looks like 5os nightwear. It's not really what I had in mind. in fact, it's the opposite of what I had in mind. still, what do I know? I try it on. I look like a fairy. Anyone that knows me will know that my aim in life is not to look like a fairy. 'It's not really what i'm after.' I tell her. I wish I was more assertive. 'I think it looks lovely she said, so feminine!' (erk) I don't want to look 'feminine'. 'Feminine' always sounds like it should be followed by the words 'Hygeine' and 'Product'. The words I want to describe my look include 'fuckin awesome' 'bright' 'funky' and 'bangin' I do NOT want to look 'feminine'. Same goes for 'elegant' 'busty' 'thinner' 'sophisticated' 'mature' 'sweet' 'pretty' and 'shapely'.

I left feeling like poop. This girl spent a good half an hour trying to squeeze me into various hideous contraptions in mauve, pink and other shades for people who are not me.

Listening to other women in the shop, I despaired. there was a lady who was going to be mother-of the-bride in a few months. She looked nearly 60, and was tall and slim, a headmistress of a secondary school, she told the staff. They told her she looked thin, and young, and tiny. Her husband hated the outfit, said she didn't look 'like herself'. The shop staff did their best to distract him and shut him up. 'My' assistant was still trying hard to find something to further ruin my self esteem.

I thought about how these formal clothes go about making an image. Behind the curtain I could hear an intelligent and successful woman, trying to look tiny. As I waited I looked at what I had on, brightly coloured beads, a fluffy short haircut, green and orange nails, leggings, 80s fluorescent sandals in multicolor, a neon purple watch and leopard print bag, with black leggings and a purple bikini top (worry not, I had shorts and t shirts over this getup, it's just this was what i wore on my dress changing marathon.) when i think about what I look like, these things are 'what I like', symbols of things i value, bright colours, garish prints and funky patterns, things that are loud and fun. why was this woman bringing me floral pastel v necks?

and then it hit me: Gok and his ilk. just as any woman who has ever studied a women's magazine in the summer knows, there are certain 'rules' in clothing that simply must be abided.

Some of these rules I find useful. The idea that as a top heavy lady, I should enlist better support than a teeny triangles halterneck bikini is sound. It is no fun running around on the beach in something that itsy bitsy.

Anyway, here is the advice for my shape, as lifted from the 'Debenhams' website:

Apple-shaped - Apple-shaped bodies are larger on top and smaller below. People with this shape often have a short neck and it is important to make the neck look longer by wearing tops with a v-neckline. Avoid anything figure hugging as this will only draw attention to your waist. Wide legged trousers or flared skirts look great on Apple Shaped bodies.

Now. I follow exactly none of these suggestions. I have utterly fantastic legs. I want them to be free!! You will mostly find me in tights or leggings, a 'figure hugging' miniskirt and a t shirt. with short sleeves. These are also contentious according to the following drivel:

Arms and legs – Arm and legs can be troublesome areas when buying clothes. Take a long hard look at your upper arms. If your upper arms are flabby then wear three-quarter or half-length sleeve shirts and tops this will stop you feeling self-conscious. Long lean legs will suit any style of skirt but if you are unsure what skirt will suit just remember that a skirt should end just above the slimmest part of your leg.

The grammar here is actually worse than mine. Damn those troublesome arms and legs! If only I didn't have to have these stupid troublesome limbs! I actually find my arms and legs to be incredibly useful for buying clothes too. My legs help me to get into the shops, and I use my arms to pick up clothes and try them on. Most clothes accommodate limbs by having strategically placed holes or even tubes to put the limbs into. But once i have taken a long hard look at my flabby upper arms I should really be more self concious and cover up these abominations.

So once I have hidden my arms, and my legs (noooooooooo) the next step is to distract from my non existent neck (ey??) with a V neck, and avoid ANYTHING figure hugging, because seriously, who would want to see a waist like mine? What would that outfit look like exactly? I can only imagine it would have to be a baggy full length, flared out dress with a V-neck. Basically, a sack, with a V-shaped hole in it.

Shop assistant girl has evidently read and memorised such shite. She forgets that perhaps it is not the be all and end all of womens existance to look 'tiny' 'thin' and 'sophisticated'. Why is this the goal? I want to look the size I am, because I am this size and I like it. If I did not, I could resort to surgary, 'lifestyle change' or counselling. But, uh, no. I present the fashion industry with my shape and all I ask in return is that they help me to cover it. I want to look fun, friendly, bright, confident, intelligent. I want to look like I am glowing with the happiness of life, that I am thankful for what I have and comfortable with who I am.

If I were the headmistress of a school, I would like to look formidable, intelligent, amazing, sharp, confident, accomplished. Fabulous. In fact, that's how I want to look now.

As I was being pulled and squeezed into 10s and 12s to the point of being unable to breathe (breathing space seemed to be an optional extra rather than integral to the design of many of the dresses) I wished I was stronger and could tell the whole shop present that I think they have got it wrong and there is much more to style and dresses than looking as small and fragile as possible and that perhaps we had it all wrong but that fight is for another day.

the man

man do i miss my bubble of friends at the college! what a lovely happy safe place to be! for all the annoyances of data entry in the morning they are such a lovely team to be in.

and now i'm out, where am i?

back to being relief really, bottom of the pecking order in a few places no real power to change much, less voice and less support. this isn't a failing of my other workplaces, they are lovely too, but at a part time relief volunteer backup spacefiller you can't help but realise you aint fully part of it!

i had a dream last night that i fought the man and lost. maybe i am reading too much jezebel. i also could do with another job quicktime. i'm hoping that my trip home this weekend will improve rather than ruin my spirits!

boobs

last night i thought of a list of reasons that ladyboobs are totally stupid and unnecessary outside of their mammaly purpose of feeding behbehs. here is some of my list, feel free to add to it.

they can be heavy

they can hurt their owners backs

they require expensive housing

this housing is ill fitted and often impractical

they can require extensive support

they carry a 1 in 10 risk of developing cancer

other mammals do not seem to need them unless they are nursing

they get in the way of sleep and stuff and can stop you lying like a splat to sleep

they are usually different sizes to each other

they are rarely 'correct'

they do not alter to fit clothing trends

if they are altered, it is expensive and painful

someone will probably judge the owner of some boobs about the size, location or general presentation of said boobs

they can impair running and other activities

they can cause teenagers massive embarrassment

they can cause some males and females to act differently, despite their owners wishes

they require coverage in public, by law in some places

they distract people

they always predict the weather wrong.

head meets desk

what the hell kind of stupid place do i live in anyway?

besides the impending closure of fairbridge, the most awesomely successful youth project i have ever seen, what the goddam bum ass kind of rubbish is this?

pink lights being used to embarrass teenagers out of places that they hang around that they shouldn't hang around in. what the ey? here's the linketh: BEEB NOOZ

apparently these pink lights highlight imperfections in the skin, and give kids a pinkish tint, which they are hoping boys will find effeminate and therefore bad.

1. er, no.

2. just no

3. 'pink = girly = maybe homosexual = bad' and to be avoided does not equal 'helpful message' trying to keep lads away from things that are pink is just stupid and does nothing to challenge the idea that looking at all gay or feminine (or indeed, refusing to conform to a set of rules for acceptable masculinity) is something that is somehow less than.

4. why would local councils want to highlight medical/physical problems that so many people have and are probably already ashamed enough of in order to get them to conform? i dont even know where to start but i think most people at some point in their day are presented with a barrage of images of perfect skin, constantly reminding them that 'this is the goal, you are far from it' -- and then to have your local council install lights in order to highlight spots? srsly. i'd be all for going down to the local council and bodysnarking their decision makers, if i didn't think it was goddam rude and inappropriate, dehumanising and ultimately crap for everyone who has to put up with the huge negative self image problems perpetuated in this country. rraagh!!!

5. what happened to other approaches, such as defining reasonable spaces for young people to meet up, which are accessible, available and safe? or perhaps *talking* to the groups of young uns meeting up with their friends?

here's a couple of just as ranty posts: here and here

good afternoon... rant

it's really sad i feel the need to rant about this today, the whole thing just makes me kinda blue. but still, rant i must.

i checked facebook today to find todays sponsored link a '1 in 3 rapes happen when the victim has been drinking - know your limits!' ad. this ad annoys me on a number of levels, firstly, the victim blaming level. most people who are raped are raped by people they know, people they *trust*, friends, family, friends of friends. the way the ad presents it, with a story from a girl who went to a club and a guy brought her a load of drinks and followed her home, eventually left her alone but she was worried it could have ended up a whole lot worse, implies that if you let a man buy you drinks, he is likely to follow you home and try to rape you.

now this is difficult too, since there is such a high proportion of men and who believe that there are circumstances in which a woman can be responsible for her own rape, (i am not sure if this is true of the men and children that are raped and abused, but 5% of women and 3% of men "believed that a woman was 'totally responsible' for being raped if she was intoxicated." ) and messages like this can serve to reinforce that opinion.

i kinda want the message to be 'all rapes happen when someone rapes someone else' the act is carried out by the agressor to the victim. the victim is a victim (do i sound like i am stating the obv a bit too much here?) they did not choose to be raped, no one 'asks for it'! rape happens because rapists rape! not because women drink, not because people 'turn gay' in prison, not because men can't control themselves, but because rape is an act of violence. it is a weapon of war, it is not about sex, but control.

alcohol may make rape victims easier to control. it may blurr their memories and lessen the (6%) chance of conviction. it does not make people get raped, it was not their damned fault!

how about 'if you are raped when drunk, no one will believe you and the court system will cross excamine your life, deem you a ho bag and there will be nothing else you can do about it, also, we recently cut funding for rape crisis call centres so good luck getting though, and if you need any councelling you can only have it for 6 months...

and although i understand that it might be easier to blame the victims, it doesn't just happen in this case, there are so many 'you should be more careful' warnings out there, extra security etc, but the fact is crime happens and no matter what you do there are people who will get past your defenses eventually. sitting at home in a locked room covered up doing nothing will not get anyone anywhere. that includes teenagers, who are being stabbed in record numbers, and carrying knives to defend themselves as they reason if you get 5 years for it, at least you are still alive.

people get raped because other people rape them

people get stabbed because other people carry knives, and use them


it's SO simple!

women: know your limits, and push them further every day. (no, i don't mean drink more every day.. gah) don't stay in, if you want to do something, volunteer, campaign, lobby. please don't sit at home all weekend!

muslim baby

the beeb the other week was talking about the diana inquest, and said secveral timesthat one of the conspiracy theories was that diana was killed in a plot because she was carrying a 'Muslim baby'. But here is how it works:

Once a child is born and is welcomed into the world by its parents/family

(here is how: The Muslim call to prayer or adhaan ("God is great, there is no God but Allah. Muhammad is the messenger of Allah. Come to prayer.") are the first words a newborn Muslim baby should hear. They are whispered into the right ear of the child by his or her father.

The baby's first taste should be something sweet, so parents may chew a piece of date and rub the juice along the baby's gums. It was a practice carried out by the Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) and is believed to help tiny digestive systems to kick in. Other things happen at 7 days and you can read up here if you like...and if you trust the bbc)

so anyway, this got me on to thinking, at what point in your life are you assigned a religious status? can you be a Muslim, Christian or whatever you want to be in gestation? if so, at which point are you religious? at 24 weeks, when you can feel pain? or perhaps at birth? or maybe many years later when you possess reasoning enough to confirm your faith and happiness being part of an organised religion? perhaps it is the point at which the baby is acknowledged by the religious institution, and a key figure within the following.

to me, a person who follows an organised religion is one who follows the teachings of said religion. not a baby that is still learning to walk, talk and feed! but then, religion is all encompassing like that, and affects the way you are taught to walk talk and feed by your parents if they are religious. if your parents run your life, they pick your religion.

But then, here comes my second wondering, what makes a muslim baby? do they adopt the religion of the father? is this not the desicion of both parents in an equal relationship? am i being really naive here? (it wouldn't be the first time)

Dodi Al Fayed may be a muslim, but i had no idea Diana was. I had no idea she followed any religion (googles - nope, can't find it, though i believe her mother was a catholic..) but why would she give birth to a muslim baby? (she wasn't even pregnant, it's almost really stupid i am discussing this)

the whole thing makes my head spin!!

community disability

so i'll start with a definition: what does 'community' even mean? I do like defining things on this blog, and i can't help thinking this word needs a definition. so off to google it and see what happens, and then i will give you my thoughts.



google tells me: "a group of people living in a particular local area; 'the team is drawn from all parts of the community' " this definition is probably best, for the purposes of this blog. I'm not going to sit and fuss over it's otherwise impossible definitions, as that's waaay to sociology for this blog, and people will fall asleep.

Now when i hear 'community' i hear it as a positive word - it was used all day long by our ex PM, he LOVED it. 'doing things for the community' and all that. but then i started thinking, who's in and who's out? who is in a community, and benefits from the things that are done 'for the community' ?

I'll try and clarify my little irks: the other day at work, we were building a board walk, and i took some YP along to do their community service. in the pre-work talk, it was explained that people would use this, and it was something nice for the local community. one of the kids then asked 'but what about people in wheelchairs?' - well obviously, they can't use it, the walk is only accessible by stairs.

without wanting to undermine the cool work that people do for the community, it struck me at that point that by 'the community' they mean 'the community of able bodied people'

this got me on to thinking, how much other stuff done 'for the community' is done whilst excluding some parts of the community? there was no sign up saying 'no disabled people allowed' but then, there didn't need to be. they are excluded with no apology, no thought, no worries. it's just something that's not for them. i felt ashamed, ashamed that it took a child to raise that question and to care about it, when there were plenty of adults present who should know better? i noticed the problem, and said nothing. i didn't want to offend. maybe i need to start offending? that's not a maybe actually, i do need to start.

i wouldn't want to start telling people what to do and what to think, but i see no harm in calling it what it is, at least just to MAKE PEOPLE CONSIDER how they might be excluding people before they start what they are doing. perhaps we should start calling things that they are: 'community project A, able bodied people only' - or 'community minus able bodied people get-active project'

maybe put up the odd sign 'this walk is not accessible to disabled people, we do not want you here, you are of little importance, please go somewhere else'

this has turned into a disability rant. good. also please see my google image result for community, of a bunch of little people standing.

food and waste

this is gunna sound well preachy but...

wtf!!!

the beeb are currently saying that we throw 20% of our foods away (fresh foods) and they showed a family doing it right.. or not!

* the mum cooks the food - she tries not to cook too much - this is cool

* then the kids are given the food an encouraged to eat it all - this is NOT cool, kids only have small tummies and can't eat big amounts all at once without getting bad tummies!! and plus they might end up with SCARY GUILT that leads them to have a messed up attitude to food later (eat it all, you won't get any more = be greedy for survival = overeating & binging in adulthood)

* then the mum CHUCKS THE LEFTOVERS AWAY (in a special bin!) also not cool!!


so right the food still gets chucked.. what's wrong with putting it in a tub for later? why does it need to be thrown away it's PERFECTLY EDIBLE lol -

and now they are talking about these magic things that collect (separately and expensively) and recycle waste food!! wtf!! just stop wasting food!!

/rant